From my Twitter archives: Infinite Pass Loop (or some of my OK Cupid tweets)

So a few days ago I started an OK Cupid profile. It wasn’t my intention to find love, a friend of mine was going to go out on a date with someone she met on OK Cupid and I wanted to see his profile. But then I got sucked into the, for lack of a better expression, internet shopping aspect of OK Cupid and before long I had a long list of snarky comments about some of the profiles and even messages that I got. I have compiled them here. Tweets are slightly edited (for instance I have corrected typos).

Oh God. @zaranosaur has talked me into doing a dating profile. I don’t know if I know how to do meatspace anymore.

It’s sure to end badly.

Especially with my optimistic attitude, hey?

I want to be like oh some of these people sound so pretentious except they are probably saying the same of me.

“I’m smart. Scary smart.” Pass

“I only eat paleo.” lol. Also, pass.

“People totally gross me out. I can smell what people eat through their skin.” Pass

“I’m an old soul.” Pass. No one is a young soul, have you ever noticed?

Message to me: “Let’s make love.” Delete.

Seriously though I do not think I have ever in my life had someone seriously suggest “let’s make love”.

Your not you’re? Pass.

“I am really interested in pleasing a woman orally.” Pass.

“I love spilling beyond neat categories.” Sounds painful.

“I love sex” Lacks creative expression. Pass.

“I have a bunch of ideas for books, movies and TV shows… But I don’t have the time to write them.” Pass.

Argh this guy has sent me FOUR MESSAGES. Blocked.

“I’m very good at a lot of things! I’m a little bit competitive as well.” No. WAY. Pass.

“I think I’m best at benevolence.” Like he’s the Pope. Pass.

When someone has their photo in wrong? So sad. Pass.

“Hey Ladies” Pass

“I an open minded intelectual type who is always up for a challenge”. Uh… paas.

I love when guys pose with children in their profile pic. It’s like, look no further, ladies, I am your one stop family shop!

Favorite movie Ender’s Game????? INFINITE PASS LOOP.

OMG THIS GUY HAS A PICTURE OF HIMSELF WITH AMY ACKER IN HIS PROFILE.

But this was the first line of his profile: “The artificiality of spewing forth a brief biography is difficult to overcome”. Pass.

THIS GUY HAS A PUPPY AND A KID. HE MEANS BUSINESS!!! GUARD YOUR OVARIES.

Oh dude with creepy mirror self-portrait that splits your face in half you are so creepy to me right now like The Eyes of Laura Mars.

“I am a feral beast, living in this human world.” Meh.

I know abs of steel are a total deal-sealer for some women but it’s kinda weird when that’s your cover shot.

This guy was totally sly about his abs of steel. He didn’t include a picture but said he was good at “pull ups”. WELL-PLAYED.

A guy just messaged me asking if I would consider making him my personal slave. Sounds like a lot of work.

This guys profile is filled with action! shots! Surfing! Kicking a ball! Wearing a panda costume! *needle scratch*

Oh selfie taken in the gym mirror. Classy.

“I don’t judge people and understand that you don’t need to be “customized”.” Uh. I don’t know what that means.

Dudes. The ab shots. Please.

OK, I’m freaked out by the guy in the leather mask BUT he’s written a heartfelt piece about his love of BDSM. Respect.

Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Picture. Pass.

“I’m a professional in my career and prefer being with successful people.” See, I’m just the opposite.

In his list of six things he can’t live without, one guy has over 20 things. Among them: coconut water, Thai (presumably food?).

Oooh points for an Eddie Izzard reference!

“I enjoy time alone playing with my instrument.”

O_O Ender’s Game has contacted me. What to do, what to dooooooo.

When the entirety of a message to you is “mmmm sexy”. *eye roll* *delete*

Question from an OKC user: “Given a chance would you sky dive from space?” *siiiiiiiiiiigh*

Full message reads: “Given the chance, would you sky dive from the edge of space? Craziest place you’ve been laid? One week in Italy or one month in Tibet?”

Seriously? Are we in junior high now? Are we going to play spin the bottle? Your efforts to be interesting have backfired, OKC user!

Message: “your a pretty good writer” *delete*

Top tip, internet dating guys: just because I take the time to respond to you politely & wish you luck does not mean I want to be wheedled.

No means no. Just because I have a profile on a dating site doesn’t mean I have an obligation to go out with you.

Oh AND my saying that I am disabled is NOT an opportunity for you to offer me “sexual healing”. Please make a note of it.

I actually don’t get this, I think it’s quite passive-aggressive. If someone says not interested, why would you demand an explanation?

I mean it’s not going to be something that you’ll like & most likely it’s not going to be something you can change. Leave it at that.

Message: “You don’t look bad at all.” Way to sell it, dude. Delete.

Message: “I will really love to know about you.” WILL YOU? Delete.

Oh and hey, guys, a pro tip. When approaching a woman for the first time, do not address her as baby, sweetie, sexy. It’s just unctuous.

I just got a message that just says “do you have a wheelchair”. Some people just really do not know how to talk to other people.

Message: “Want to see my big dick?” Delete. Oh, yes, and also blocked.

You know, I’m half tempted to reveal the OKC handles of all the guys I’m blocking along with the messages they’ve sent me.

It was definitely an eye opening and interesting experience. When I get back from Seattle I may take the OK Cupid thing a little more seriously. Or, I may delete entirely. We’ll see. I’m completely ambivalent about dating at all, which you can probably tell from the tone of my tweets. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed this post. If you want to see more sarcastic OKC tweets/posts, please let me know in the comments.

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